Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. We have been married for thirteen years. He's the best guy I know. Handsome, hard-working a good dad. Of course, like every other male he has his sexist tendencies. He loves to leave his clothes in random places in the living room. He thinks he has the right to decide my hair style and make-up. And he lacks the graciousness at times to appreciate all I do for our family. Gotta love em.
Then there's my daughter. Very adorable, feisty, smart and fun to be around. But the pressures of parenting can be too much. She starts school in a week and I haven't done shit to prepare her. I hoped to read lots of books this summer. I bought a second grade workbook for her to prepare her for the next level. Homework didn't really happen. We spent our time visiting friends, playing at the park and being with relatives. Sure connection and play are awesome, but what about her academics? Have I set her up to be in a lower reading group come next Monday? Was I supposed to pressure her to do school work?
How did a feminist, social justice, proud educator like me end up in this situation? I should know better right? It's not like my husband's sexism isn't challenged at every turn. I'm obviously engaged in deep guilt tripping and insecurity about parenting, so I must be thinking deeply about being a mom. Yes, I am doing the work. But you know what? It's not fun at all. It's very hard.
More and more this doesn't feel like the life I signed up for. I miss the days of having my time to myself. Basing my life on what I want to do. Does that have to go away cause I am now married with children? Being single was the most free and fun-loving I ever felt. In those days I would go out dancing by myself. I would write poetry and attend open mics. I even travelled a bit. Can a married woman in her forties get that feeling back?
Last night I watched an excerpt from an interview with Jada Pinkett Smith, her daughter and her own mother. She spoke about the difficulties in balancing her own dreams with the dreams of her family. She mentioned how women receive the message that it is selfish of us to want anything for
ourselves and how harmful that is to our psyche, to our "well". It is a powerful interview and a great reminder to women to fill ourselves up first so we can truly be there for those we love in the way we want.
